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Warm, Wet Winter

No snow drifts
No wind bites
No ice glistens
But fog rises
Rain soaks
Mist bewilders
Air pierces
Sky weighs down.
Me? I drown.
 

The Accident

I was in a bad car accident today. A pickup truck slammed right into the driver’s side of my car. Of course, the car was totaled, but I escaped with chest bruising, probably from hitting the steering wheel. However, I don’t feel lucky to be alive.

You see, the cops said it was 100% my fault, because I was pulling out into oncoming traffic without making sure the coast was clear. That means my insurance won’t pay for a new car, and I have a court day in May. So now, in my mind, what was once an unfortunate, well, accident has now become a failure, a sign of how incompetent I am.

And it’s only the latest one. Last Thursday, I drove over a curb, blew out a tire, and was almost stranded in Millersburg, because every auto service place there closes at 5 or 6. On Friday, Wal-Mart (where I’d been towed) couldn’t fix the car, because for some reason, they couldn’t get the right rim. I was an utterly useless, crying mess for an hour and a half. Everybody at work had to help me–I owe them so much. The car was fixed on Monday. On Wednesday, I tried to drive to a restaurant for an inspection, and got lost; I never made it there. Of course, it was partly over confusion over the address, and I tried to buoy up my self-esteem by telling myself that. I actually made it there and did the inspection yesterday. And now, this horrible thing has happened. That doesn’t even count the small failures I’ve had all week.

I can’t do anything right. No wonder like I’m just being tolerated and humored, like a mentally-handicapped kid at school. No wonder I feel like my parents regard me as their incompetent daughter, whom they have to keep pulling out of these situations and for whom they have to keep driving up to Wooster and spending money. I feel humiliated and degraded by it all, and I’ve practically lost all confidence in myself.