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Kicking Myself

My Fourth of July weekend started with a bang, and not a good one. I was in a car accident yesterday afternoon. I was on a narrow country road, and a tractor was coming from the other direction. I drove to the right to give the tractor more room, and I ended up driving into a ditch. The car fell onto its side, luckily not the side I was on.

I wasn’t hurt, and the car escaped with a few scratches and a loose wheel. But I was terrified I would be fired, since it was one of the company cars that I drove into a ditch. I was so scared of being fired that today at work, when I realized I’d forgotten to get a signature and fee for a food license from a client, and our secretary told me off for it, it seemed like the icing on the cake. I felt dizzy; I seriously thought I was going to faint.

Luckily, I didn’t faint. Even better, I’m not going to be fired. I also got the signature and fee from the client. But I’ve been kicking myself for my mistake all day. My counselor suggested that I forget about it and just do better next time. It’s good advice, but I have a tendency to magnify my mistakes and beat myself up over them.

Does anyone else have this problem? I have a feeling that I’m not alone.

I have to eat my words.

Those of you who have read comments from me on your blog posts probably know that I wasn’t happy about going to work during the COVID-19 crisis, because there was nothing for me to do at work.

Well, I have to eat my words. Because today, due to a stomach bug, I stayed home. And in some ways, staying home is much worse than going to work.

Because I’m all alone. When my mind isn’t focused on something else, there are no other people around to distract me. And I can’t stop myself from thinking horrible, terrifying thoughts.

Now that we’re undergoing a frightening natural disaster, I keep remembering horrific stories about natural disasters, not real ones, but imaginary ones. Now that there’s a situation going on over which I have no control, I keep picturing even more terrifying scenarios where I have no control.

And there’s no one to talk to about it, no one to distract me from my fears.

I am terrified.